Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Are You Sad?

I'm sad. Not in a way I feel like everything sucks, but just sad. Without a reason. I feel like him without a voice since everything I say falls into deaf ears, but that's another subject to discuss in the future probably. I try to avoid the sadness, but I can't. I can't runaway from something I have since I was little, even if I hide it behind  smile and a corpse full of energy. This is real, but could be just and act. An act of virtue in all of it's grace. It may sound silly or funny, but that's what it is. You tend to look over your shoulder, waiting for something to come back from your past that will make you say "after all, it wasnt so bad as it seemed to be. It was just a lesson...", but hat never happens. What happens is everything is a lesson, but that lesson can turn your life in a sad dream. Why not a nightmare? Because nightmare make you go wide awake with the fear to go back to sleep. Dreams make you lazy enough to want to go back to sleep. Like, sleepwalking.

I'm sad. I know that sadness will never end for me. I fight back a lot, for me, everyone and everything...and I fight back against me, everyone and everything. It's not something I actually want, but let's call it fate. Allow me to say that I don't believe in fate. I believe we build our own destiny through our actions and from what we learn about our journey. A journey that will, eventually, come to an end. That's it. The end. That's the bottom of everything. I never thought about reaching the rock bottom, but if I had to guess, I've never left it. What I created can be discussed, but I think it's beautiful. I enjoy this place, even if the colours seem so...sad and dark. That's my nature, what else can I do? I can't pretend to be what I'm not when I already hurt myself faking things that I shouldn't just to make people happy and I don't mind. I really don't. I care alot about them and I don't want them to drown with me. I know some of them can see me drowning, but I don't want to bring them with me. I refuse that. I just want to make them happy and proud for their achievements. Again, I'm just a lunatic.

I'm sad. Not the kind of sad that will woke up tomorrow and think that everything is going to be alright. No. I'm that kind of sad that whenever I close my eyes, I can see all their smiles and hear all of their chantings and laughs. But that's when I start to hallucinate...or dreaming. When I close my eyes, I feel the comfort of everything while a voice whisper "this will be all over soon so your tomorrow don't have to exist anymore".

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