Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Inner Wounds

I wonder how many times I've tried to write this. The thoughts that have been hauting my mind and dreams at night are gaining an unparalleled strenght. They don't bother me still, just open the highway to my own abyss. It's getting real dark in here, you see? I almost go blind with all of this, but either way, I'll try to keep myself standing higher above the flames. Do I look like I care about the flames? Do I? Not at all. I learn to love the flames, the scars, the darkness, the emptiness. But who the hell cares about that? Why would you care about that? Life is a matter of choices and, for the best of the worst, I'm the choice everyone wants to avoid.

Let me rise something in your mind first. The will to carry on with your life, either pathetic or not, but you'll make the best out of it. I no longer have the will to keep myself up or fight any torment. I'm working like a machine and my mind is playing tricks on me. Can't you see the patterns? It' all over the place, like the blood I imagine spilled all over my surrounding walls, floor. Typing this or any other text feels like I'm pressing my fingers into razor blades. I feel my finger being slit and I see all of it like I'm bleeding, even if I'm not. It's kind of an hallucination.Wasn't you seeking for a more twisted mind? Well, I'm here, and I'm sure that one day I'll have something around here that will make you cry and think "Let me try to help you out!", but there's warning signs all over the place.

Yes, I can be fixed...but I'm not broken. Just because I have a hole digged with my own bare hands, that doesn't mean I'm broken. I'm just shattering myself to pieces. Should I blame myself? Maybe, but this isn't a solo work. Everyone made their part, I was just not one step ahead to see it coming. My internal wounds were open violently like I was nothing and the world started to close down on me. Some say we all have an angel watching us over...but my angel lied to me. I was suppose to be fine, but I'm not. I'm just ok. You know what means to be temporary to the people when you give everything you have to make them smile? Left behind just because "why not"? Let me tell you a secret, that isn't much of a secret, actually...everything about my past just made me grow cold and though I just have myself to reshape, rebuild and imrpove, I'm growing colder. This could be my inner teenager speaking, but it isn't. My inner self is crying. This was not what I dreamt I would be.

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