Thursday, December 15, 2016

Lost Statements #2

There is no reason to look out for something good. The world is sick and I am getting worst every single day. How far can I go? I don't know. I have an healthy life, except for the smoke which I like, but that's not enough. I'm losing weight, my appetite, my sleep, my will to do what I want and what I will to live. I've been hanging onto something I can't fully describe, but I say a lot that is to cause no harm to the ones I love and care. I don't want to bring pain to them. Just that.

Every second, even this one where I'm writing this, I imagine, in my head, so many ways to die. Some with blood, some bloodless. Now I'm imagine this as bloodlines. Somehow, I wish I could write a letter with my own blood. I don't cut myself, but I want to. I want to tear myself from limb to limb. 'Cause I'm sick of this, of everything. I'm tired of fake my smile, pretend that everything is ok, just so the others don't make questions, don't care and don't feel my pain when they have to deal with their own.

I've been losing everything quite some time ago. First, I've lost my talent in school and I lost my mind because of someone who played with my emotions. Hello depression. After that, I've started to rebuild my world. I've been cheated, way before my world start to crumble, but that didn't bother me too much. Then, I've found myself stumbling upon myself trying to find a balance to fill the void. It was in that, let's call it travel, that I've found someone who I would lose after a while, like everything else.

See, I've seen beauty and it's many forms, but I couldn't keep it with me. Obviously, I met good people along the way, but I have never ever found someone who embrace my darkest ways, my evil ways, my wicked mind, who choose to stay with me. But I'm still being able to see beauty. I see people with a lot of potential and what they can achieve if they don't waste themselves or give up. Sometimes, the wings are spread and ready to take them to new heights, but their mind is their weakness. Yet, they still shine brighter than shining stars, even if they hide it from everyone and from themselves.

Anyway, back to myself, I've been losing everything. My friends, my enthusiasm, my will to do something, my confidence, my self trust, my mind...but I'm gaining something. I'm gaining the desire to put an end to everything around me, including myself. Maybe that end is closer to me than I thought. After all, I'm now in a place where I can make those decision. I just hope that when my end comes, I'm there to salute the bravest soul that come to take me to eternity. My dreams and my hopes are death.

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